Variables Required for Healthy Interpersonal Communication and Interaction Explained

Effective communication is about understanding and consistently integrating these variables
into a more effective communication style when one or more are lacking.
Your interactional pattern will determine the way you perceive the world and how the world
perceives you. People either create an environment at home and at work which is conducive to growth, job
satisfaction and rewarding interactions or they create an environment that is experienced as
personally and financially expensive, rejecting, tense and destructive.

Questions to ask yourself related to the effects of poor communication to think about
while familiarizing yourself with the content of this document:
• Are people naturally attracted to me and is it easy for me to make friends and function
within my work team?
• Are my instructions easily followed and are our goals usually achieved?
• Do people interact with me in an abrupt and dismissive manner?
• Do I find myself blaming others for mistakes made, or am I perhaps the one often
shouldering the blame?
• Are there certain needs that are unmet?
• Are there miscommunications within my team resulting in arguments or poor team
performance?

Context Creates Meaning
Context is the frame or surrounding in which the interaction and communication occur.
Interactions can only be explained and understood within their context. The same behavior,
word or phrase in different contexts can hold significantly different meanings. The phrase “I
hate you” will create question and confusion in isolation, but in the context of a person
having gotten a fright in response to a surprise birthday party it will hold a different meaning
when compared to a victim of infidelity saying it to his/her partner.

Before one engages in communication, effective context needs to be set. Confusion and
misinterpretation occurs when context is not adequately established, or when contexts are
mixed. An example of mixed contexts is when a father and son work together. The context of
family functioning and business conduct are mixed and could serve to contaminate the
interactions and communications with the rest of the team.

An example of setting proper context: A business owner sits across the table from an
employee who has underperformed and misbehaved over an ex- tended period and has
failed to adjust his behaviour accordingly with assistance. The business owner informs the
employee that his employment at the company has ended and lists the reasons directly and
factually, leaving little room for interpretation and question. The employee is shocked and
becomes somewhat emotional. The business owner ends the meeting, walks around the
desk, and tells his son that he heard that he had just lost his job, and asks how he can help
him move forward.

The two contexts were clearly separated and the communication between the two
individuals changed appropriately from one to the other, minimizing the potential for
rejection, isolation, and conflict.

Setting context involves setting the stage for the interaction. In a business, this could include
clearly defining the goals of the email, meeting or discussion and checking that everyone
agrees with the goals set out. In a social or romantic relationship, an example of setting
appropriate context could be achieved by checking in.

An example of not checking in (not setting context): A husband returns from work after
losing a very important contract and is informed that he needs to make up the loss within the
next two months or he might be without work. As he walks through the door his wife, in a
somewhat irritable tone, asks him if he could take out the trash and reminds him that he
needs to fix the washing machine.

Her message is framed from her context, which was a calm day except for the frustration
surrounding the washing machine and the trash. His context is one characterized by stress
and disappointment. This brief interaction could result in either disengagement from his side
or retaliation, which will most likely be a verbal attack back and forth.

An example of checking in (setting context). The husband walks through the door and, in
this case, the wife asks him how his day was. He takes the time to explain his
disappointment, frustration, and stress. She in turn has time to listen and understand
and respond in line with his context. She explains that her work went well, but that she was battling
with the dishwasher earlier and the trash needed to be taken out as she did not have time to do it earlier.

The two now share context in which their communication can be adapted and understood
without basing their responses on the immediate emotional response.
Context frames set the scene and apply the lenses through which any piece of
communication is interpreted. Without proper context, the interaction can escalate to
violence, confusion, or disengagement before it has even started.

Definition of Relationship
It is important to note that none of the following definitions are “healthier” or more optimal
than the other. The important part to note is whether the participants can perform their
tasks, grow as individuals and employees and at the end of the day contribute in a manner
that will increase productivity.

Relationships can be defined in the following three ways:
1. Parallel: A relationship between equals. When equals interact with each other they
interchange leadership positions depending on the context and the goals of the
interaction. An example would be a couple or co-workers relying on each other’s strengths
and shifting leadership roles depending on the need presented by the situation.

2. Complementary: A relationship where there is a clear leader and follower and the
relationship remains defined in this manner across different contexts.

3. Power Struggle: Constant power struggle for control of the relationship. If the definition
of a relationship is not clearly defined, then both parties can get stuck in a cycle of conflict.
This does not only take time from both individuals, but also affects the rest of the team and
their over-all productivity.

When the context of the relationship is not properly defined, poor relation- ships could be
the result. This could lead to role confusion, infighting and power struggles that tend to
involve other members of the team, ultimately bringing down morale and productivity.

Clarity of Self-Presentation
Whether you present yourself in a clear and understandable manner, or not, impacts the
effectiveness of your instructions to your team, your ability to ask for assistance and speak
to clients. (Basically, during any interaction with another person).
Examples of ineffective self-presentation: Speaking rapidly, poor pronunciation, incomplete
sentences, illogical or unsystematic communication, leaping from one topic to another,
vague statements, conflicting messages.

Observable effect of poor self-presentation: The impact of poor self-presentation is usually
felt/observed before identified. Take note of the following results of poor self-presentation:
people losing interest in what you are talking about, feeling like people don’t like you or that
you are somehow rejected or ousted form the team.

Observable results of effective self-presentation: Acceptance and confirmation from others,
tasks are easily understood and executed, you are easily and regularly approached when
someone gets stuck or is unable to figure some- thing out.

Example: Imagine how you would respond to someone who asks you to do something for
them, but their manner comes across as apologetic, with drooped shoulders and a soft
voice? The first couple of times it would be okay, but the most likely outcome is irritation
and impatience leading to the need to disengage.

The opposite presentation would be a person who approaches you with open shoulders
presenting a clear message with appropriate volume and a definite outcome. This would
make the reason for the request clear, without the emotional component which could
contaminate the request.

Emotional Distance
In your team and in your relationships, you will find yourself being closer to some than to
others. You might find some people trying to get to close to you, which inevitably irritates
you and results in you increasing the distance between you.

The other side of the coin is that you might try to get to know someone and they in turn
distance themselves from you, which might feel like rejection or just plain hurt.
This becomes relevant in a work team where one person is required to learn from another,
perhaps a new employee, or when a person is promoted to a different role. The harder you
try the more distance is created between you and the other person to the point where the
relationship disintegrates.

An alternative would be to time our interactions to decrease the potential for reflexive
rejection, be careful to disrupt an ongoing conversation or to intrude in someone’s thinking
space. The way to create closeness is to invite a person to speak about themselves, explore
their interests and the things they find interesting. When a person is expressing excitement
over a topic, reflect on that emotion “I can see that this topic really excites you, I would like
to learn more about it”. When it is work related hear them out and help explore solutions, or
if the other person uses you to vent, use the same reflexive technique “This really irritates
you” or “I can understand that you are frustrated by this situation”.

This manner of reflexive listening is a learned skill and will require some practice. The good
thing is that you get to know the other person first which al- lows you to define the
relationship and build towards appropriate emotional distance, rather than to jump in feet
first with comments about yourself that might be inappropriate or lead them to
subconsciously judge or reject you.

Accurate Empathy, Congruence, and Unconditional Positive Regard
1. Empathy: the ability to understand and share the feelings of another. Accurate
verbalization of understanding, reflecting another’s feelings.
2. Congruence: genuine, integrated person who is freely him/herself in the interaction. The
opposite of congruence is a person who holds a façade, plays a role, superficiality.
3. Unconditional Positive Regard: Translates into the warm acceptance of every aspect of a
person’s experience without any pre-conditions to acceptance. It inherently means caring for
someone without being possessive. It effectively means that the interaction is free of
judgment.

A healthy relationship where a person can grow professionally and personally is characterized
by these factors. In the work context, an effective team where a person is safe to increase
their strengths and address their areas requiring improvement should be characterized by
these factors. It is perhaps more applicable to managers or team leaders where it is in their
interest to unlock the potential of their employees. In the absence of these factors a person
will likely feel unappreciated, exposed and vulnerable leading to stagnation and a waste of
potential.

Validation
Receiving validation from others means receiving the message that one has a valid, special,
or exceptional place as an individual and is appreciated for
one’s place in the company. Receiving or giving validation does not need to be a major event,
but should rather take the form of subtle or indirect messages that he/she offers valued
contributions to the team and is acceptable to others.
Validation is often a two-way street. If it is given it is often received in return. In the business
context, the absence of validation can lead to dissatisfaction, a decrease in motivation and
confusion about the value of one’s contribution.
Validation should be sincere and relevant to a person’s contribution when given. One of the
simplest ways of validating a person’s role or contribution is to express that appreciation
verbally by saying thank you and commenting on the value of their contribution. We need to
remind ourselves to do this as it often doesn’t come naturally.

Expression of Needs
The effective expression of needs to others is critical to a person’s wellbeing within a
company or team. Not bringing your needs to the table will typically render such a person
insignificant and invisible to others. Not expressing your needs will leave the other person
unaware of what you require and you might experience them as ignorant and uninterested.

On the other hand, if you express your needs in a demanding manner then you will likely be
met with defence, rejection, or withdrawal by the other party.
It is therefore up to you to define your needs clearly, gauge their importance and
communicate why they are important to you. Clarify what value meeting these needs hold for
you and how having your needs met will increase your ability to contribute to the team. If
you can explain these factors in detail, then there should usually not be a reason for your
needs not to be met.

An example would be if you were to ask anyone to go beyond what is expected of them.
Express your need: I need you to do X. Why is it important for you: Doing X will add value to
me because Y. If your request is not within limits it will also become clear to you.
Ineffective expression of needs will often take a demanding tone and leave the other person
asking themselves why they need to honour your request. Effective expression of needs can
serve all parties involved, regardless of the definition of the relationship.

Linear/Circular Approach
Usually a person will have a linear or circular approach to their environment.
Linear Approach: When a situation is viewed from only their own perspective it is usually
one-sided. People who maintain a linear approach will typically not recognize their share in
the outcome of an interaction. This will be evident in their tendency to blame others and/or
see themselves as the victim. Continuous blaming from a linear perspective will most likely
lead to hostility, defence and/or rejection and result in destructive behaviour between
parties.

Circular Approach: People with a circular approach consider perspectives other than their
own and can reflect on the impact that their contribution has on the outcome. They tend to
take responsibility for their actions and focus on solutions rather than spend time on finding
a person to blame. Adopting or working towards a circular approach will turn you into a problem solver and
effective team member. Problems become things to be addressed and not to be
sidestepped because you are able to take responsibility and work towards a solution, rather
than engaging in an exhaustive finger pointing exercise.

Degree of Interpersonal Flexibility and Rigidity
Different contexts require different ways of interacting. When engaged in giving
instructions and focusing on delivering a product or service one could expect a person to be
more rigid. This will be noted in the way instructions are given in a structured and definite
manner with little empathy for the team’s needs and experiences.
A person with a flexible interactional approach will then be able to speak with those people
who have concerns in a manner that addresses their concerns and requirements and is able
to compromise and find solutions.

A person with a rigid style of interaction will not easily compromise, and will stick to his/her
own point of view. A flexible style of interaction will include adaptability depending on
context. An overly flexible person will bend to the demands of his/her environment without
considering the impact or con- sequences of compliance which could lead to overloading,
exhaustion, and confusion about what is expected of you. Learn to say no along with
effectively expressing your needs. A well timed “no” can be more profitable than a poorly
timed “yes”.

An awareness of one’s level of rigidity vs flexibility can enable you to accommodate your
team’s needs while adjusting your interactional style to serve the purpose of the
interaction; whether it be a development meeting, sales meeting with clients or a one on
one interaction with an employee or co-worker seeking assistance. A person with effective
flexibility can integrate different approaches and opinions into his/her own understanding
of a topic to grow their understanding, rather than to defend a point of view or opinion
without the capacity to grow and adapt with the addition of new information.

Meta Communication
Any conflict or disagreement can only be resolved if all parties involved are able to pause
and communicate about their communication. This is done by both parties acknowledging
that they are having a difference in opinion and that both hold the potential for
contributing value. It is a process of neutralizing the emotional component of the
interaction and focusing on what message is being conveyed. This skill requires a high level
of emotional maturity where the parties involved are required to put their emotions on
hold to figure out how to move forward.

Once both parties can observe their own interactions they are on a higher order, or they
have meta-perspective, where they can abandon their linear approach for a circular one.
This is an extremely difficult skill to master and often requires a communications coach to
help those involved dissect the path leading up to the conflict.
A healthy meta communication exercise is to reflect on situations where poor
communication lead to emotional responses (Immediate or long-term) and to dissect the
interaction using these variables to understand the problem and adapt future
communication styles.

Adequacy of Problem Solving Skills
The essence of solving problems is the way you approach a challenge. Some people tend to
buckle under pressure and others tend to rise to the occasion. It is often a natural response
to being challenged directly whether you engage or disengage with the challenge.
Sometimes problem-solving skills can be acquired whether it is to deal with interpersonal
conflicts or when solving job specific challenges. An employee or manager will face different
challenges. Those challenges should be defined and addressed and the person equipped
appropriately to deal with them.

Inadequate problem-solving skills can manifest in “ducking and diving” behaviour or reverting
to a linear approach where others are blamed for short falls. The normal reaction to such
behaviour is penalties for underperformance, interpersonal conflict, feelings of incompetence
and cycles of blaming and defence.

Control
Being in control of your environment and feeling adequately equipped to tackle the
challenges presented to you will influence your belief in your ability to perform in a manner
that is expected of you.

The question is: Does your environment control you, or are you in control of your
environment? If a person feels like the environment is controlling them then feelings of
helplessness and passive behaviour might be the result. Feeling out of control usually points
to needed growth in one or more of the above-mentioned variables.

Not being able to express your needs or being overly flexible will leave you feeling
frustrated, overburdened, or simply like a slave to your work place. Not feeling in control
inevitably escalates to feelings of depression and anxiety and might require external
assistance to address.